How often should long distance couples talk

What the research actually measured

Long distance dating is common, and it has been for a while. Pew Research Center reported in 2013 that 24 percent of internet users with recent dating experience had used the internet or email to maintain a long distance relationship, up from 19 percent when it first asked in 2005.

The most cited study on how these couples communicate is by Crystal Jiang and Jeffrey Hancock of Cornell University, published in the Journal of Communication in 2013. They followed 63 dating couples, 30 long distance and 33 living close together, with an average age of about 21, and asked each partner to log every interaction with the other for a week. The couples reported 3,024 interactions in all, an average of 3.45 a day across the whole sample.

Long distance partners reported significantly fewer interactions per day than those living close by. They made up for it in form rather than number: they used more phone calls, video chats, texts and instant messages, and their calls, video chats and texting sessions ran longer.

Why fewer conversations can still feel closer

Jiang and Hancock found that the long distance partners disclosed more about themselves and idealized their partner's behavior more, and that this made their interactions feel more intimate. Hancock described it as a hyperpersonal effect, where people communicating through media across a distance compensate by thinking more generously about the relationship.

Jiang summed it up this way: 'The long-distance couples try harder than geographically close couples in communicating affection and intimacy.' The paper also points to earlier work, reviewed by Stafford in 2010, which found that stability, satisfaction and trust in long distance dating relationships were on average equal to or better than in geographically close ones, and that their quality did not seem to be driven by the amount of communication.

The practical reading is that a long distance relationship does not need to match the contact count of a couple who share a kitchen. What it needs is contact that carries something real.

Texts for warmth, calls for hard conversations

Brigham Young University researchers Lori Schade and Jonathan Sandberg studied 276 young adults in serious, engaged or married relationships, published in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy in 2013. More than 80 percent exchanged several texts a day. Sending affectionate texts was linked to a better relationship for both men and women.

The picture changed with heavier topics. For women, texting about serious subjects, apologies and decisions was associated with lower relationship quality. For men, simply texting a lot was associated with lower relationship quality. Sandberg put it bluntly: 'To connect and express affection is good.' Trying to resolve serious issues, apologize or criticize over text, he said, is bad for the relationship.

The researchers advised that anything needing more than a couple of texts to resolve should be said face to face. When you live apart, the nearest equivalent is a voice or video call, so hold difficult conversations for a scheduled call rather than a thread of messages.

Building a rhythm that fits two schedules

Most couples do best with two layers. The first is a regular call that both of you protect, on a day and at a time you agree on in advance. The second is a thin stream of small contact in between: a photo, a good morning, a note that you have eaten.

Time zones make the first layer harder and the second more important. Find the window when both of you are awake and not at work, even if it is short, and keep it steady rather than trying to fit a long call wherever it lands. If the gap is large, one partner's morning may overlap with the other's evening, which is often the most reliable slot.

Revisit the rhythm when life changes. Exams, new shifts, travel and moves all break a routine that worked last month, and it is better to agree on a new one than to let calls quietly lapse.

Small signals that keep the day connected

Much of what keeps a long distance relationship warm is not conversation at all. It is a photo of dinner, a picture of the view from the bus, a good night. The BYU findings on affectionate texts suggest these light touches do real work, and they cost almost nothing to send or receive.

Some couples move these signals out of the chat thread altogether so they do not pile up as unanswered messages. Knokk, for example, puts your partner's photo on your home screen widget and lets you answer with one tap on a reply button the sender chose, such as Just ate or Good night. Its Miss you knock is limited to one every ten minutes and ten in any rolling 24 hours, and there are no read receipts, so a quiet hour is not read as a verdict.

Common mistakes

Setting a daily quota and treating a missed call as a failure. The Cornell study found long distance couples interact less often than couples who live together, and it was not a sign of a weaker relationship.

Arguing by text. The BYU study linked serious conversations and apologies over text with lower relationship quality. Pause the thread and call.

Using contact as monitoring. Constant check-ins about where someone is or why they have not replied turn connection into surveillance. Frequent texting on its own was linked to lower relationship quality for men in the BYU sample.

Letting every call become logistics. Flights, visas and visit dates need planning, but a call that is only planning leaves little room for the self-disclosure that the Cornell researchers linked to intimacy.

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